Have you ever gone through the path that is so dark and narrow in your life that you had a thought of not seeing another day? Or have you had fear that is so real that the thought of not seeing another day came across your mind?
A year ago, I went through one of the darkest moments in my adult life. I had postpartum hemorrhage after giving birth to Ellis. I was praying in my heart as the doctors and nurses were trying to stop the bleeding with much care and love.
My first prayer was a general prayer. I thanked God for the new birth, asked Him to stop the bleeding so that I could be healed. I repeated those requests a few times. As my body became weaker and I felt like losing the battle of my life, people that I care about and things to do were listed clearly on my head. It was like a letter that was typed out clearly and I can identify myself as though I was a typical Singaporean kiasu mom. So my second prayer was to plead for God to have mercy. I literally asked God to have mercy on the newborn baby; I reasoned to God that Joel is still too young to lose his mum as he still have so much things to learn in life. I thought of my husband Joshua and how he will have difficulties in raising the children without his partner. My parents, my siblings and the Vacation Bible School that was coming up were top of the list and it goes on and on.
While I was pleading with God with all my agenda why he should extend my life, the Spirit of God gave me a thought in the form of a question: “Who is God?” Oh my! That is all I need. I stopped asking God for my human agenda but started to think about His attributes. As I reflected upon the characteristics of His nature, I no longer asked Him for healing but I longed for His will to be done in my life, my family, my ministry and the whole world.
Because He is the truth, there was no reason to doubt the faith I have in Him.
Because He is loving, He is able to care for all my loved ones more than I could.
Because He is powerful, He is able to rise up someone who is going to do a better work of ministry because the ministry belongs to Him.
Because He knows all things, and He is good and perfect, everything that had happened and is going to happen is for His glory. It’s good and perfect.
As I surrender all that I am and longs for only His will to be done even if it’s for me to go to my eternal home, my heart was in joy and peace. It was so beautiful and peaceful to be under His wings. God used the skillful hands of the doctors, nurses and medicine to put me on the road to recovery. It was not an overnight event but a slow progress. During those times the psalms were so real in my life.
1 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
As I read slowly, memorized and meditated upon God’s Word day and night, it gives me new hope and strength for each new day. This past year, our family encountered shingles and the surgery of Ellis. Through it all, I see God’s strong mighty hands, faithfully holding and graciously guiding our every step.
It was a bright sunny morning during the Sunday School outing to the Botanical Gardens last Sunday (3 April). With the energy that God has given me, I and my co-workers are walking, singing and talking with the children that I love. In the evening, we also celebrated Ellis’ birthday with our non-believers friends and testify to God’s grace. To God be the glory!